The Road Bug infects South Park

This fake "South Park" script was a big hit with misc.transport.road in 1998. It borrows the characters of the popular cartoon on Comedy Central.

[In Mr. Garrison's social studies class]
MR. GARRISON: This weekend is the 40th anniversary of the "Freeway Revolt" in San Francisco. That's when they decided that they didn't want any more freeways in their city. Why do you think they did this?
KYLE: Gay people don't drive that much.
CARTMAN: Yeh, my mom says Frisco is full of gays.
KYLE: Joe Montana went to Kansas City because the 49ers were trying to convert him.
MR. GARRISON: That's close, but not correct. Anyone else?
CLASS: [silent]
MR. GARRISON: The reason for the revolt is that freeways can disrupt a city, and if they're not designed right, can harm the people they're hoping to help.
WENDY: Sometimes they fill in wetlands, Mr. Garrison.
CARTMAN [mimicking]: Sometimes they fill in wetlands, Mr. Garrison.
MR. GARRISON: Your assignment for Friday is to do a project about transportation in South Park. On Friday, we'll show each other what we've done.

[after class]
STAN: So what are you guys gonna do?
TERRENCE: I'm going to do a diorama of a multimodal alternative transportation facility as recommended in the ISTEA legislation of 1991.
KENNY: (mumbles)
CARTMAN: Yeah, you guys just build those to use up the money so you don't have to build any actual roads. Then you force everybody onto a bunch of commie buses! You suck!
WENDY: I'm going to do a retrospective on the music of Lawrence Welk.
CARTMAN: You idiot, that's not about transportation at all!
WENDY: Nuh huh, says here, the state of North Dakota spent $700,000 of federal transportation funds on a Lawrence Welk museum. There's even a picture of it!
KYLE: That's stupid. I've got a much better idea.
HEATHER: Like what?
KYLE: Like a exit off the 470 to my house. Our property's right butt up against it.
STAN: Kick ass! [Hands form a sign in air] "Kyle's house, next exit."
STAN: How are you going to build the exit? You'll need like some asphalt and stuff.
KYLE: My dad's truck has a plow. I'll figure out the rest.
STAN: Hey, I want an exit too!
KYLE: Dude, you live three miles away.
STAN: Let's do a whole freeway. We'll have exits for your house and mine!
KYLE: We'll need another truck.

[next day, in class]
MR. GARRISON: A freeway, eh? What will you call it?
KYLE: Kyle's freeway.
STAN: You dork, it was my idea! It should be Stan's freeway, and Kyle's exit.
MR. GARRISON: You need a number, so it can show up on maps.
KYLE: 238!
STAN: 99!
KYLE: 412!
STAN: 666!
KYLE: Loop 202!
STAN: 69!
KYLE: Huh?
KENNY: [mumbles something to KYLE.]
KYLE: Yeah, 69!
TERRENCE: If it's off the 470, it has to rhyme with it. It's Interstate Law.
MR. GARRISON: Terrence is right. Remember, a spur off an interstate highway should begin with an odd number and use the same two digits of the parent route.
STAN: How about 570?
KYLE: Yeah, 570!
MR. GARRISON: You'll also need to develop engineering drawings, showing how your freeway will connect to I-470, and what streets it will cross over.
KYLE: We can't do bridges. All I have is a plow.

[At Kyle's house]
KYLE: Dad, can we borrow your truck?
KYLE'S DAD [reading sports page] Make a fort in that camper shell? Sure, OK. [Pauses] You don't want to take it for a spin, do you?
KYLE: No, we're going to build an exit off the highway for our house.
KYLE'S DAD: That's a good idea! I could get home 10 minutes earlier. Let me know when your exit's done.

[KYLE and STAN have maneuvered the truck onto the I-470 shoulder.]
KYLE: Where should we start?
STAN: Kind of go slanted for a while, then turn to the right and go over by Cartman's house.
[Colorado highway dept. truck pulls over]
WORKER: Hey, what are you kids doing in this truck?
KYLE: What does it look like.
STAN: We're gonna build Interstate 570.
KYLE: It's a school project.
WORKER: Well look, you can't do it this way.
KYLE: Chill dude, you don't own this road. It's public property.
WORKER: I mean, you can't do it with your Dodge Ram and a snowplow. You guys need some equipment.
STAN: Equipment, heh.
WORKER: Let me talk to my buddies and see what we can do. Come back tomorrow.

[Next day, roadside I-470. Stan and Kyle arrive alongside 10 or 12 parked earthmoving machines and a group of workers]
KYLE: Cooooool!
STAN [in awe]: I think we're gonna get an A.
WORKER: I told them there was a new freeway project set to go, no environmental impact statements, no studies, no anything, just start paving.
WORKER 2: I'm there, buddy! [Other workers add "Yeah"s and "all right"s.]
WORKER: Where's the highway gonna go?
STAN: Cut over that way, then turn right at Cartman's house. Then about two miles to Mesa Road. Then it ends.
WORKER: We'll get about a half mile done today. While these guys dig up the roadway out here, we need to go tell the people in that house over there that we need to tear it down.
KYLE: Heh heh, Cartman's gonna be homeless.
WORKER: Oh no, the state buys the property, so the people can buy a new house someplace else.
STAN: So if I send the freeway through my house, I can get a new one?
WORKER: Sure can.
KYLE: But if you move away, the freeway won't go to your house anymore.
STAN: Then I should extend the freeway to an empty spot where I can put my house.
KYLE: Go ahead, but I'm gonna keep my house. I've got a big room.

[At Cartman's house. The WORKER has rung the doorbell, and CARTMAN's MOM answers.]
WORKER: Good afternoon, ma'am. We're condemning your property in order to build proposed Interstate 570.
CARTMAN's MOM: 570? WHAT? Nobody ever told us -
STAN: It's for a school project, ma'am. We just thought of it two days ago. It's due Friday.
CARTMAN's MOM: Oh, if it's for school, that's OK. Eric! Pack your stuff, we're moving!

[Friday, at school]
MR. GARRISON: And for our last project, we have Stan and Kyle. Show us what you have, boys.
STAN: Due to the large scale of our project, we'll be boarding the school bus for a short field trip.
[Everyone piles in the bus and gets on I-470.]
HEATHER: I don't think they did anything. They're just killing time until the bell rings.
[Two curving concrete ramps appear in the distance. A green sign comes into view.]
STAN: Interstate 570. Two and one half miles of brand new pavement. Improving the transportation of South Park.
KYLE: We're gonna put in toll booths, so enjoy the free ride.
[KENNY sticks his head out the window.]
MR. GARRISON: "Exit 1, Kyle's House." Good, good.
STAN: And look, "Exit 3, Stan's House, 2 miles."
MR. GARRISON: Mileposted exit numbers. Very good.

[They get out of the bus at the end, where a backhoe remains.]
MR. GARRISON: Part of every project is cleaning up the materials afterward.
STAN: Yo, sorry Mr Garrison, I'll move it. [Climbs into cab.]
STAN: These levers don't have any writing on them. Hmmm....
[Manages to start up backhoe; engine sputters to life.]
STAN: Okay, back up. [Pulls back on lever.]
[Backhoe pivots around and bucket slams down, slicing Kenny in half.]
STAN: Oh my god, I've killed Kenny!
KYLE: You bastard!
MR. GARRISON: I'm afraid I'll have to give you a B on this project.
STAN: What?? Kenny's poor. Who cares?
MR. GARRISON: No, it's your exit tabs. They should be right-aligned in accordance with the MUTCD, but instead you had them centered.
STAN: Damn it!
KYLE: G-d damn it!