Unless you've been living in a cave, you probably know that phrase has become a popular (should we say "shopworn?") cliche:

For those who have been living in a cave, fruit smoothies and juice bars began about 25 years ago in the place where all trends begin, California. (Albuquerque Tribune)

Many writers seem to be unaware "living in a cave" is even a cliche, unless cliche is French for "essential tool." It's a cheap, fast way to build credibility and enlist the reader on the writer's side.

After all, who wants to be out of touch with the world? Pay attention to the article (or subscribe to the magazine), and spare yourself the embarrassment of being tagged a cave-dweller at your next office party.

For those of you who've been living in a cave, Jar Jar Binks is the 'Chewbacca' comic releif [sic] chraracter [sic] for the new Star Wars movie. (fan website)

Most of us have a sensible-thinking aunt in Ohio who believes that articles with the phrase "living in a cave" discuss things that live in caves.

Silly woman.

"Living in a cave" is just a clever, dismissive term for the vulgar masses not clued into the latest Hollywood offering, pop group, video game, or hysterical media craze:

You've undoubtedly heard all the uproar (unless you've been living in a cave, under a rock, or on a distant planet far outside the solar system) about what's supposed to happen on New Year's Day, 2000... (blurb for "Y2K for dummies")

Cavenicolous living has advantages, anyway: a lot of useless fluff gets filtered out. Cave dwellers miss out on the latest beanie babies and Dateline NBC stories, but no writer has claimed one way or another that they're deprived of useful facts such as:

• to get rich, it helps to be born rich
• Watching TV news makes you dumber, not smarter
• George Bush was indeed in the loop
• don't return a pointer to an object on the stack
• "Do you think this makes me look fat?" has no correct answer

Now for those of you who have been living in a cave for the last couple of years, "Resident Evil" is the story based around the experiments of the "evil" Umbrella corporation. (some gamer mag) Continuing the wave of PR generated by the movie (Which one? Are you living in a cave?!) (another gamer mag)

Some caves are more remote than others. If you get a decent cave off Sand Hill Road or Mulholland Drive, you might still enjoy the trappings of modern life. But choose a cave in the Midwest, or outside the country, at your own peril:

Unless you've been living in a cave in Idaho for the past year, it's been impossible to escape hearing about Y2K. (AGFA employees federal credit union) For those of you who have been living in a cave in Indiana all year, the Knicks are New York's professional basketball team. (NYC INC!) By now, unless you've been living in a cave on Borneo, you've seen the iMac. (net pc review) Unless you have been living in a cave in the Himalayas, you have probably heard about the Internet. Special Edition Using Windows NT Workstation 4.0, by Paul Sanna. (Publisher is QUE, which is best pronounced "Qué?"). But here, for the benefit of all who have been living in a cave in Outer Mongolia for the past six months... (the sunday telegraph) Unless you've been living in a cave on a deserted island in the middle of the Pacific, (abilene reporter-news)

Special disdain is reserved for those who decamp in caves off-planet...

Unless someone has been on a flight to Mars or living in a cave, we all know that there are problems in America today. (Texas Reform Party statement) You'd have to be living in a cave not to know about the NASA Pathfinder Mission to Mars and the event that it's become on the Internet. West Virginia Daily News unless you have been living in a cave on Mars, you already know what alcohol abuse has done to the world... oregoncoast.com Unless you've been living in a cave for the last few years, you've heard of [John Gray's Venus and Mars] Corporate Service Center, Inc; link is dead

... or without a Net connection...

Unless you've been living in a cave not equipped with a modem recently... JavaWorld

... or with inappropriate headwear...

... in case you have been living in a cave with a paper bag over your head, today was the day. Seattle Times

To compound the offense, you should spend a lot of time in your cave:

Just in case you've been living in a cave for the past two months and you haven't heard about Boise State's Roberto Bergerson, (ESPN. I expect better from them, for a reason I can't pin down.) Unless you've been living in a cave this past year, you now know that Windows 95 has arrived, bugs and all. New Media, October, 1995 Unless you've been living in a cave for the past few years, you know about the frenzy surrounding all aspects of the Internet and the World Wide Web; (Ed Yourdon's foreword to Steve Heller's "Who's Afraid of C++?"; link is dead) Unless you've been living in a cave for the past several years... you've heard and read enough to know that the sun can really do a number on your skin. planetrx.com If you've been living in a cave for the last ten years, Tetris is a game where.... (gamer mag, they're all alike) RPG: Role-playing game; fairly self-explanatory unless you have been living in a cave for the past twenty years. (Anime Video Game Resource Center)

The "living in a cave" charge often takes an accusative tone, as if the writer had a pile of scarlet letter C's ready for pinning:

A popular song is Paula Cole's "Where Have All the Cowboys Gone?" If you have not heard it you must have been living in a cave... (forum posting) If you don't know who McCammon is, then you're living in a cave. HorrorNet If you haven't yet heard of the Year 2000 problem, originally called the Millennium Bug, now known as the Millennium Bomb and more colloquially referred to as Y2K, you must be living in a cave. Japan Times Unless you've been living in a cave, you've probably already been exposed to the Internet in one way or another. Cycle News Unless you've been living in a cave, certainly you know the Information Age is upon us. DeVry Institute By the end of 1996, if you hadn't heard about the problem, you must have been living in a cave. Michael P. Harden, Ph.D.; before US Congress Committee on the Judiciary April 13, 1999 If you haven't heard of Steve Finkel, you've been living in a cave. (praise for "World's Premier Recruitment Industry Trainer" by the Fordyce Letter, itself "America's Leading Industry Publication") (see Finkel's response and my comments) Everyone knows McDonald's serves their coffee freakishly hot; anyone who claims to not know this is either lying or has been living in a cave since they were old enough to drool. (post to legal forum)

If you choose to live in a cave, at least you'll still be in the loop for social occasions:

Anyone who shows up at a reception without being officially invited must be living in a cave. Weddingbells.com

I'd feel remiss if my diatribe on bad writing was "not comprised of" even one (1) example from the U.S. military:

"Preparing for Y2K survival" by Tech. Sgt. Michael Acton 6th Communications Squadron, MacDill AFB For those of you who haven't heard of the Y2K Millennium Bug yet, you have likely been living in a cave for the last few years.

"Living in a cave" sounds like a recent invention, along with "Hellooo," "Show me the money," "work with me," and so on. That's roughly true, if your only language is English:

Wenn Sie nicht den Ruhm des Gottes sehen, Leben Sie in einer dunklen Bohrung. Those who do not see the glory of God live in dark holes. - Joseph Mohr, 1814. Two years later he wrote the lyrics for Stille Nacht, which Anglophones know as "Silent Night."

"Living in a Cave" is cheap derision. If you're going to be snide (and that's OK; Pot Kettle Black), make an effort to be somewhat original. Most of the time the inside knowledge you unveil later (Britney Spears? Need for Speed 4? Star Wars? Big-ass deal) is a weak payoff and you look foolish. Writers, get out of your caves, and give that tired expression a long-deserved rest.

Opinion | Kurumi's Front Door |